Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

Emma.

"Are you sure about this?" Molly asked, her worried eyes scanning my face. "Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?" Was I sure? Heck no. I don't know what will happen. I don't know how he'll react, but I have to do something, right? "Yes" I nod, straightening my back in determination.

I know I messed up big time. I know that what's happening tois my fault. It's karma catching up with me, but I can't let it stop me. I can't sit around mopping wishing things were different.

I put on the pretty sundress I'd chosen. It was white and had sblue flowers on it. I wanted to look presentable, down to earth and warm. I wanted to look inviting. Someone you feel at ease by just looking at them. Sundresses always give that illusion. "You do realize he might slam the door shut on you face at first look?" Molly adds, bouncing on my bed like a little kid.

I've thought about nothing since I decided to matters in my own. I've thought of nothing else, but how to change things between Gunner and I. I know it'll be hard. I've neglected him so many times over the years that his love forprobably died.

It fucking hurts my heart knowing that he views Ava more as a mother than me. Mom has toldcountless of times how much he spends tat Rowan and Ava's home. It fucking hearts but I don't have anyone to blame.

Each day I wake up with guilt that consumes both my heart and soul. Each day brings a fresh onslaught of pain that I can't escape from. It gutseach twhen I open my eyes and realize the shit and pain, I've caused.

My hearts constricts and I feel myself drowning in the darkness that's been consuming. More than anything, I want to know my baby, but I also want a respite from the constant heartache.

"Emma? Are you even listening?" Molly's voice pullsfrom the edge of the abyss.

"Yes" I lie, and maneuver myself to my dressing table to do my make-up.

I've beclike a shadow of myself. Everything in my life has lost its meaning. I'm so fucking lost that sdays I think it would be easier if I just ended it all.

Working used to be my life. I enjoyed it. Loved it. I also loved social gatherings. Whether it was galas, charity dinners or just a simple laid back event. I loved them. Now, though, I don't even want to wake up most of the time.

I pick up my brush and just stared at myself in the mirror. Agony, guilt and regret stare back at me. This feeling of being out of control, lost, was like a cancer that was slowly destroyingfrom the inside out.

Trying to bury those thoughts, I run my brush through my hair before picking up my concealer. I've always had clear skin, so I didn't need much make-up. Just a concealer to hide my dark under eyes.

Sighing, Molly stands up and walks over tobefore placing a hand on my shoulder. "Have you thought about what we talked about? You should start seeing a therapist." "And what good will that do?" I ask, applying the concealer before blending it.

"I can see it in your eyes. Every day, your light dims just a little bit. You have a lot to unpack. A lot of guilt, self-hatred and bitterness towards yourself. You need to talk to someone who can professionally help you before it's too late." I didn't want to hear any talk about a therapist. I can't imagine telling my best friend all that I'm feeling, let alone a stranger. Where would I even start? That I'm having a hard time, drowning and the most appealing solution right now is suicide? "I just don't see the need," I murmur and place my concealer down after I'm done with it.

I then take out my lip balm and apply a thin layer on my chapped and dry lips. There, I was done.

You may not, but you'll understand ›nce you begin. Letbook you a ew sessions. If, at the end, you still lon't feel the need or any change, hen you can stop going," she tells ne gently, in a warm voice. "You ave to realize that until you can orgive yourself, you can't move pas his, and it will always have a hold or W 'ou." >wI nod then stand up. Giving her the best smile I could muster, I twirl around. "How do I look?" She returns the smile. "Better." Eeh! I'll take that. As long as I don't look like a zombie, then it's good enough for me.

Today was Sunday so I knew that Calvin and Gunner were home. They rarely go out on Sundays choosing to relax and chill with each other.

Calvin named it 'a boy's day S He tried involvingby tellingthe little things he and Calvin did, but I always rebuffed him. Now, I regret not listening to those small details about my own son.

"I have to go" I whisper, while et searching the room for my small purse. Once I spot it, I cross the room to pick it up before turning to Molly and saying, "Wishluck." "Good luck" With that, I leave the room after giving her a hug. Mom, Travis and Molly have been my rock, but I know they can't keep holdingup. Eventually I'll have to let go.

"Do you wantto drive you somewhere, ma'am," one of our drivers tellsonce I am outside. He was just placing mats inside the car.

"Not today Henry" I reply softly.

He nods before handingthe key. Getting in, I start the engine before peeling out of our driveway.

It wasn't a long drive. Just a couple of minutes, but that was enough to sendinto hyperventilation.

Now that I was in the car, I couldn't believe that I was doing this. That I was going to Calvin's house even though he toldto leave them alone. To stay away.

Doubts starts filling my head, and I wondered if I should just turn back around.

No! I needed to do this.

I don't know how I get to their hwhen my mind was in such a mess. Parking, I take a deep breath before opening the door and getting out.

I walk the short distance, my hand clenched in front ofas I tried to calm down my nervous and racing heart.

Getting to the door, I raise my hand and ring the bell. Minutes later, I hear footsteps right before the door is opened.

At first, Calvin's eyes register shock before they quickly shut down and beccold.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"