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166 Higher Power
(Ashlyn)
| sit on the edge of my narrow bed, the cold, sterile walls of the small, with nothing more than a bed, a table, and
a chair. facility pressing in on me. The room is
It's a far cry from the luxury | was used to, but it's fitting. | don't deserve anything better. Not after everything
I've done.
The silence here is deafening in its way, but it givestto think, to reflect on everything that's ledto
this point.
I've spent countless hours replaying the past in my mind, dissecting every action, every decision, every
hurtful word.
I've talked to my psychiatrist and, more importantly, listened.
And I've cto realize just how wrong | was. How wrong Judy is.
About everything.
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But it's not just the talks and the thinking, there's a higher power at play here. Now | know there's something out
there bigger than all of us, it was easy to accept responsibility. Easy forto want to be a better person.
When | think about Winona and Jayden, there's a knot of guilt that tightens in my chest, a heavy weight that |
know I'll carry for the rest of my life.
[
1 was so consumed by my own desires, by what | thought | was entitled to, that | didn't care who | hurt in the
process.
| told myself it was love for Jayden, for our future, but that was a lie. All | can ever remember is being told he was
to be my husband. | never thought any different. I let myself believe that.
The truth is, | was selfish, | wanted to win, to have everything | was groomed to believe was mine. | saw Winona
as the obstacle in my path, and | didn't care what | had to do to remove her.
| manipulated, | lied, | hurt people-people who never deserved it.
Winona didn't deserve it. She'd been so kind towhen | was a lonely teenager. | hated her makingactually
grow to like her. Judy said it was all a ploy. Winona never really liked me, she felt sorry for me, and she threw
their love in my face..
All I can do now is face the consequences of my actions and accept the pain I've caused. | may be in here for
many years. Even if | get out of the mental health facility, I'll have to do my tin jail.
| tried to kill her. | wanted her dead. | almost killed Jayden. The man I've never understood how to be without. But
if he'd died that day, by my hand, what would | do then? I'd still have to survive. I'd have to learn to live without
him or take my own life
That's where | thought I'd end up. That's what | wanted since | stepped through these doors in my shackles. To
end it all. I didn't care how. Starve myself or something faster if | could 166 Higher Power
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There's barely any chance to do anything in here.
Highly regulated. But Judy has her pawns here too and | have a phone to send her messages and read hers.
She's still on about the sold things. | play along, for now.
| have to. | wouldn't put it past her to havekilled if | go against her. | want to live now.
But something happened. | was in the chapel and something profoundly life changing happened. And | knew. |
knew | had to live and be a better person.
There is a better way. | see that now. I've been awakened to something in life that's bigger than me, bigger than
all of us.
Winona... | think about her a lot. No matter how much | tried to break her, she kept fighting, kept standing up for
herself, for Jayden, for their daughter.
I'm in this place, and for the first tin my life, I'm forced to confront who I really am. | can't hide behind my
Follow on Novᴇl-Onlinᴇ.cᴏmwealth, my family name, or my looks. None of that means anything here. All that's left is the truth-the truth of
what I've done and who I've become.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to make up for it, or if Wihona will ever forgive me. She shouldn't. I'm not
deserving of forgiveness. But it's not forgiveness I'm looking for. | want to change. | spend a lot of tthinking
about redemption, about what it means to truly atone for your sins. I've never been religious, never cared much
for the idea of a higher power or divine judgment. But in this place, surrounded by the ghosts of my past, I've
had proof there is something more- something bigger than myself, something | need to believe in if I'm going to
get through this.
| deserve to be in here. | deserve to pay for what I've done. But | also know that | can't stay the person | was. |
can't let the darkness | created consme completely.
If there's any way out of here, it starts with acknowledging the truth.
Accepting that | was wrong. Making a promise to myself that | will be better.
1 will be. I want to be. | must be.
I nod, standing up slowly, the weight of my growing belly compressed under the tight towel | have strapped
around me, so no one knows my secret.
The persistent life insidethat's changed everything
| don't know how, and | don't know why, but there's a baby insidestill.
Jayden's baby. But even more importantly, my baby.
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